The Need to Be Liked
I really care about being liked and it can be kinda damaging, so I thought I'd discuss.
I haven't blogged properly in a while, I've been busy and social seems to dominate our minds these days doesn't it? As long as I've got my two pics from the gram a day right?
Kelly and I shot some pretty photos last week when we stayed overnight at K West hotel, the hottest day of the year so far plus beautiful blossoms - such a good day to shoot. I was wondering what text to put with these photos but, unfortunately after stumbling upon an indirect tweet this morning my brain has gone into a frantic mode and all I can think about is - 'is that about me?'
This isn't a rare occurrence for me. I've always been sensitive, I pick up on small remarks, I think every mean thing said somehow relates to me and I worry constantly about being liked. I'm pretty sure a lot of people can relate to this in fact I'm pretty sure the trait is tied to my star sign too (if you believe in that) but, it sometimes this state of mind can feel like a seriously lonely hellish hole to be in.
Why Do I Care?
Honestly, I don't know. I have a loving boyfriend, a lovely family and a set of friends who I've been through thick and thin with. Part of me wonders whether it was to do with my lack of stable friendship groups growing up, how somehow I was always on the outside even in a friendship group.
Then of course there's the elephant in the room, a part of me knows that I probably wouldn't feel half as bad as I did if my life wasn't online.
Blogging is a funny one. It comes in waves, the highs are extremely high and the lows, well they can be low. This is usually to do with opportunities, exposure and self comparison. My biggest bane with it? Wondering whether people think I'm a dick, or I'm ugly or nasty.
Every conversation I enter on social media, the thoughts stream through my head 'Did I come across okay? Should I of put an extra!! or a heart-eyed emoji. Oh well, you've screwed that up now.'
Opening Twitter apparently is enough to derail my day now. It's not a way to live, certainly not in the eyes of productivity!
Don't even get me started on when I meet other bloggers in person. I had such a horrible experience a few years ago - I turned up to an event on my own, straight from work, I'd been working for ten hours that day and had a pretty stressful one at that, I drove 50 minutes to get to the event and had no time to change, brush my hair or apply lipstick. In all honestly, looking back at the photos of that night, I still think I looked quite nice.
I greeted two girls and sat down next to them on a bar stool, we were the first ones there and were just waiting for others to show up. Then in the corner of my eye I spotted one of the girls with my profile photo on her phone and she quite clearly said to the other girl 'She looks nothing like her profile photo in real life'. Fuck. Honestly, I've never been so mortified in my life. Somehow I didn't cry, I didn't run to my car and leave never to return, I sucked it up and met a few lovely girls there that night.
Since then? Well I'm in constant fear of people thinking I'm ugly / boring / different to what they expected.
Be Kinder To Others and Yourself
Over the years from being anxious to go on Twitter, modifying my Instagram caption a hundred times to not even sound like my real life sarcastic fun self - I've learnt a lot about protecting myself. My mum always brought me up to 'kill them with kindness' which I've always tended to do, I'm not sure whether this is the best practise online - I actually think getting yourself offline and away from the situation helps much more.
For better or for worse I'm not even slightly confrontational, in fact arguments quite literally bring me up in some kind of nervous rash. So a lot of the time, people who have hurt me - won't even have an inkling about it. Again, I think this is a good thing. But who knows?
Anyway, this post has been an awfully long ramble to some thoughts which are jumbled in my head today. Basically, be nicer to yourself - don't put yourself in situations where you think you might get hurt, stop looking for underlying messages and delete the apps which make you feel bleh. Or at least wait until you've had a glass of vino and are feeling like a sassy version of yourself.
But also, read this post by Vix about not talking behind peoples backs (or indirectly tweeting for that matter) because that shit hurts people. And why would anybody want that?
Anyway, sorry for the ramble there. I'm off to work from the sofa now because, this girl needs cheering up and maybe some chocolate. Yep, chocolate definetly wouldn't go a miss.