So it occurred to me this week that it has been five years since I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. This is a topic I have shared on here a few times, but I thought it was worth revisiting it due to the fact my original blog post is yet to be re-uploaded to my blog. Rather than a copy and paste job, I figured it would be an idea to share the effects five years on.
So a quick recap on how it all started - there is a rather snazzy video on this on my YouTube channel if ya fancy. So when I was 18, I went on holiday for my sister's birthday and I had forgotten my contraceptive pill - no biggie I thought, I'll let myself come on naturally and then I'll start taking it again.
9 months passed, I figured since I hadn't had a baby (yes, I really did panic, wait and see) and I was having some really odd symptoms - that perhaps it was time to speak out. So I did, I sought out my family and found myself going through a lot of doctors appointments, scans, hospital appointments and then finally after 6 months - the diagnosis. Premature Ovarian Failure, Early Menopause, no eggs left + barren ovaries.
My 19 year-old mind was frantic, I was too young to be faced with this adult problem. Luckily enough for me I've been in a solid relationship with Morgan for 9 years, so it wasn't something I went through alone. The immediate sense of loss was painful, It felt truly like I was grieving. I went and still very occasionally go through waves of denial and desperation to have a baby. However, as I have got older this is becoming less often, my mind has become more rational.
See I've never been one of those individual that wanted children in particular, even before I had all these issues I couldn't see myself doing it before I was 30 I always said. Five years on, I'm back to this mentality - I am okay with it. See I always thought it would get harder as I got older - as my friends settled down and moved on with their lives, but in truth I'm excited for my friends but I'm glad it's not me.
My life is good how it is, I'm at university as a mature student, I have a home with my wonderful boyfriend, family just down the road, I have this blog and all the opportunities that come with it. Another way of looking at it which occasionally makes me feel better, I don't have that internal struggle that women have when the get to a certain age. I don't have to decide, the decision has been made. That takes a huge weight off of my shoulders.
Do you know what really gets me though? The side effects, these are something I cannot get over. An early menopause = hot flushes, fatigue, weight gain... the list goes on. To combat this I have to take the contraceptive pill, every day until I'm old enough to properly go through the menopause. Which quite frankly is shit, so shit. We all know that the pill has its own issues and know that is my only option really gets me. Then again, not sure I could go back to hot flushin'.
So five years on, how do I feel? Better about the not having children situation - I'm happy with the direction my life is going in. However, the situation, the pill. That's the hard bit, something I will begrudge struggling through for the rest of my life.
Anyway, feel free to shoot any questions!