I won't lie to you, I am not fond of these photos - I won't beat around the bush. I look fat. In fact, I'm kind of shocked that I'm posting them, but the emotions that I felt from these photos need to be talked about. So here I am posting photos of myself that I really wish I wasn't and chatting about a subject which is a little sore.
Until I was about 17 weight and size didn't come into my mind. My metabolism was wonderful, and this was probably aided by the fact I was pretty active. No cars, walking here, there and everywhere. When I started my first job at 18 they told me I'd put on the 'Bradwell Stone' - apparently everyone that starts there puts on weight. Annoyingly they were right, the sedentary desk life took its toll on me and It's kinda been downhill from there.
My relationship with food isn't bad, I eat primarily a veggie diet - I love big salads, roasted vegetables - I even seriously love a brussell sprout. There are times when I'm more thoughtful about what I eat, and then there's times where pasta is my best pal. I'm one of those people that a few days into healthy eating gets hooked, I get obsessed with weighing and measuring myself and tracking it all. Plus, I fear getting invited out because I know that I'm not going to say no to the wine. Then eventually I'll have a night out and I fall off the rails - every damn time.
How about exercise? I used to be really good with exercise, I was part of a ladies rugby team, went to a bootcamp and ran a lot. Slowly but surely all of things have stopped, all for different reasons. I'm really keen to start some classes but just need some bloomin motivation!
the hate needs to stop
it's tiring, upsetting + non-productive
Honestly when I think of the energy I've wasted on self hate, It kind of disgusts me. I find myself scrolling through my Instagram occasionally and looking at toned stomaches and slim silhouettes and feeling pretty shit. It's incredibly unproductive but sometimes when you've hit that mood all you can do is begin tearing into yourself a little more.
Things cannot go on this way, I've begun to realise that you have two choices when you're unhappy with yourself - either you want to change it, so you put energy into that or you accept that you are who you are, or both? That's what I want to concentrate on doing.
So essentially I want to make some healthy changes, I do want to make myself healthier inside and out, but at the same time I don't want to base my happiness on the end product. I am worth more than my weight, there are so many things I do well that I don't give myself credit for. I need to start appreciating what I love about myself and my body. Because self acceptance is really what we all need.
eat to nourish not to lose
my relationship with food needs to change
I hate how I can look at foods and label at least half of the foods in my household 'bad foods'. I'm so done with the guilt which is associated with eating pasta for dinner, or having a slice of toast for breakfast. Whilst I know that I want to shed some weight / inches - I want to do this in a healthier way for both mind and body. I want to nourish my body so it receives the right food for the job rather than food I've deemed 'healthy'.
When I get extreme and cut out foods, It's only so long before It comes back around and I'm binging on them. I want to cut out that unnecessary step, if I want chocolate - I may as well have the damn chocolate just maybe look for a slightly healthier option like dark chocolate for instance.
Another thing I need to take into mind is foods which can be a healthy choice in a flash, occasionally I have no energy to spend an hour in the kitchen making food after a long day - so I need to find options which work well for me quickly.
It'll be small steps, but I need to change how I see food. Stop the guilt, stop the binging and begin seeing food for it's real purpose - nourishment.
no excuses, lets get active
the sun's out + time to move
As I do genuinely enjoy exercise I really have no excuses when it comes to actually doing it. I always am guilty of finding excuses, whether it's the fact I'm tired or I need to catch up on Riverdale, I'll always find one. We all know the benefits of exercise, inside and out - there is quite a brilliant feeling you receive after working out hard so really when it comes to exercise, it's a win win situation.
Whilst you won't find me immediately joining a gym straight away, I'm definetly going to make the most of the outdoor activities available to me. As per my Spring Goals I want to start regularly attending Park Run and I'm going to start up going to boot camp again asap. Also small things like popping to the shops, I need to start walking there instead of getting in my car. The more I move - the better I'll feel.
Ideally I'd love to start a team sport again, I love being part of a team and playing competitively but goodness knows what I would do.
Apologies for the rambling post, but I thought it would be good to speak openly about how I'm feeling about myself. I know I'd like to get healthier, but I refuse to hate myself any longer. It's so tiring. Just because I want to drop some unnecessary weight doesn't mean I can't love myself along the way. Self love first, right?
Ps. I promise to go back to less random rambling posts asap.